Keen for God

The critical tasks for this week are done. My exam for Relational Communication Theory on Wednesday was easier than expected. I finished the six-page test in 20 minutes – the first student to turn it in, too. I expect to get an “A” for that exam. The empirical paper that I turned in on Tuesday for Investment Management was returned to me today in class. I got an “A.” I have reason to be really proud: I had to articulate a complicated statistical concept to a professor who can immediately spot ignorance on the subject.

The exam for Investment Management was also today. I woke up at 8am instead of 4am, like I planned. By the time I was done with breakfast, I had less than three hours to study for the exam. I went straight to the Library for some privacy and change of environment. I did some problems, reviewed some concepts, and wrote down the formulas we could have during the test. I barely finished the exam on time. Yet, I did finish and I think I did very well. My expectation is 90%.

Clarity of tasks for this week and a step-by-step plan (modified) to accomplish those tasks helped immensely. I feel like I achieved a lot, and, hence, am very satisfied. This system that I have used once before is proving itself to be useful again. First, I must be clear about what I want to do (clarity of vision). Next, I must develop a plan of action (creating hope as opposed to waiting on a wish). With faith in the plan, I will get that final push to take those steps. The secret here is just to start doing the first step, and I will carry on with the momentum. The plan will execute, and I will be happy with tasks done.

What will come next? I will make some leisure time to enjoy myself. I want to play Civilization III, and spend some quality time with my friends. I will do whatever I want that will be fun. By Sunday, I will be set to make the best out of my week again!

Today must be one of those days. You know, those days where you want to be productive but the actual doing is not following that wanting? The air smells like horse manure, too. Odd air to be breathing perhaps I can blame my lethargy on that? Of course, I am trying to keep myself mentally awake by writing. This credit checking process is so not exciting that I need numerous cups of coffee or one powerful pill stimulant to keep me going at a good pace.

I should think about something stimulating. I can think about what I want to talk about with L-. But, I should keep that in my handwritten journal. I know: I will write about the differences between keeping a handwritten journal and a computerized journal.

The greatest benefits in keeping a computerized journal are volume and ease of editing. I can write many pages of thoughts in a shorter amount of time when I type compared to when I have to write each word on paper. Journal entries that are six pages in length handwritten make only a page and a half once they are typed. Those six pages might have taken me between two hours or more to be written. When I use the computer to write, I can churn up three pages in an easy hour, (that’s twelve pages in half the time!)

Those twelve pages might not be as well thought out as the concise clarity of six handwritten pages, but that is where the benefit of editing comes in. With handwritten material, editing makes the whole entry messy. Throwing the entry away is out of the question. So, any major revision must be rewritten. Using the computer to write, I can put all my thoughts on paper, and then edit to my heart’s content. I can write about any subject that comes to mind, expound on the subject and then reorganize as necessary.

Dear L-,

If my Valentine’s gift brought us closer together emotionally, then it has fulfilled a very good thing. Though, I am not mad at you for the manner in which you received the gift, i can’t seem to get it out of my mind. Concrete words do not convey the feelings well, so allow me to use and analogy:

Imagine Pepper affectionately rubbing against my leg. I freat out, accidentally step on her and break her back. She’s not dead. Yet, her back still hurts from being broken.

Pepper represents my romantic nature. I still love you and will purr when you’re near, but my romantic backbone still hurts. I woke up this morning still in pain and realized a relational obstacle we are bound to encounter in the future.

Before I continue, I want to be clear about something. I see this situation as an opportunity to build on our relationship. Every relationship has its obstacles to overcome. I think we’ve come to our first one. At this point, I have three choices: (1) give up on our quasi-commitment and move on; (2) ignore the obstacle only to run into it again in the future; or (3) approach the obstacle and see how we can break it down together. As I’ve said, this is our chance to work together to build on our relationship. So, I choose option 3.

That being said, here is what I think the obstacle is. I envision a future where I will be disappointed everytime I do something romantic. Being romantic takes time, effort and creativity. Without proper appreciation, there is no incentive to be romantic. I will feel unappreciated, as a result, and will either be unhappy in the relationship or seek appreciation elsewhere (both of which are equally bad consequences).

I feel there are two mutually exclusive causes to this potential bad situation: (1) my own expectations; (2) the way you respond to romantic overtures. They are mutually exclusive because we only have to change one to prevent the bad situation from happening. My expectation would cause the problem because I don’t perceive appreciation. The way you respond to romance would cause the problem because it is not enough to demonstrate appreciation.

These two causes lend themselves to two possible solutions. I can change my expectations, or you cna change the way you show your appreciation.

101 Reasons Why L-‘s the Greatest

1. I trust her.
2. I enjoy every minute that I am near her.
3. We accept each other without feeling the need to change one another (drastically).
4. We confide in each other.
5. I am comfortable self-disclosing to her (naughty when you think of the sounds
   of the words, doesn’t it?)
6. I respect the decisions she’s made in life.
7. I can depend on her.
8. She understands me.  I can, at least, try to understand her.
9. We are comfortable with each other – I don’t have to play a role when I’m
   around her, but just be myself (much to her annoyance, sometimes…)
10. Her youthful eyes with the depth of a woman’s soul has an inexplicable command
    over my heart.
11. Her touch calms me.
12. Her closeness excites me.
13. Her smell reminds me of the comfort of home.
14. Hearing her voice makes me smile – (that is why, Mom, I leave L-‘s messages
    on the answering machine for weeks at a time).
15. She is my moral lighthouse.
16. I don’t want to share the likeness of our relationship with anyone else.
17. I would forsake my own needs if she wouldn’t be mad at me for it.
18. I adore her even more because she would be mad at me…
19. Be it lottery school, her parents’ store, or waiting at the train station,
    I don’t mind the place as long as she’s with me.
20. We talk on the phone for hours.
21. Our phone conversations end mainly because we’re falling asleep.
22. My mom likes her.  A lot.
23. My daddy thinks she’s a very good, upstanding and filial woman.
24. Both my parents are afraid that I’ll screw up and cause her to hate me.
25. I love her.
26. She cooks.
27. She cleans.
28. She is clean.
29. She’s not reckless.
30. But, she’s a klutz.
31. She doesn’t abuse the power that she has over me.
32. We want each other to succeed in our goals.
33. She values The Family.
34. She loves her mommy & daddy.
35. She understands the importance of good parentage.
36. She understands the importance of money.
37. She believes education is the solution to poverty.
38. She believes in perseverance and hard work.
39. She constantly seeks to improve the self.
40. She keeps fit.
41. I am fascinated by her.
42. Her little nap on my chest left an impression on my soul.
43. Her brown hands tell a story of hard work and love of family
44. The nape of her neck really doesn’t like my stubbly chin.
45. The way she runs.
46. She is the first woman I met in my age bracket who shops at Ann Taylor.
47. She dresses well.
48. We both read a lot (when we have the time).
49. Her mom makes the best hoagies.
50. I love her (Did I say that already?)
51. Her dad, like my dad, is scary-looking at first, but turns out to be a pretty
    funny guy.
52. P-, her older brother, inspired me to be Arnold Schwartzennegar.
53. Come to think of it, I like all of her siblings.
54. I think she has some pretty neat pets, too.
55. Her driving is better than mine.
56. She hasn’t complained about my cooking — so far.
57. I can feel proud around her without fear of her thinking me arrogant.
58. The two of us look great in pictures together.
59. She looks better.
60. We dominated the world together (much to P- & S-‘s frustration)!
61. Should I ever fall, she would be the one to pick up my torch and carry on.
62. The joy I feel when she slips her arm around mine.
63. Her letters, no matter how short or in what form, have always made my day.
64. When she bosses me around, she is both cute and irritating at the same time.
65. She falls asleep at bad movies.
66. Pepper, her cat, sleeps with no one else in the family except for her.
67. Yet, the cat runs away when she sings.
68. I feel like a content little hamster when she brushes my back.
69. When I seek her advice, it is like I’m conversing with my better self.
70. Sometimes I think I’m a pretty lucky guy… and she is a part of the reason.
71. I would be so incredibly bummed if she wasn’t in this world with me.
72. She meows.
73. I like how she stealthily lays down the rules of our relationship within
    our normal conversations.
74. I still feel giddy days after talking to her.
75. (I know I already said this) I love her.
76. Anything beautiful or experience wonderful conjures thoughts of L-.
77. We would walk in circles just for the sake of walking together.
78. The way her voice lingers when she says “Bye”.
79. She knows what kind of clothes to buy for me.
80. Even during the excitement of our NY adventure, she is mindful enough to
    buy a roast duck for her mom simply because her mom likes Beijing-style roast
    ducks.
81. She got a nice gift for my mom for her 49th birthday.
82. We had every single class together (except for Foreign Languages) during
    the 10th grade.
83. We ate lunch together everyday that year.
84. People thought we were “boyfriend & girlfriend,” but we managed
    to fool them to believe we were siblings.
85. We still managed to be very thoughtful, mindful and caring towards one another
    throughout these years even if our attractions were elsewhere.
86. I have more pictures of her in my room than any other girl — the others
    being my Mom and goddaughter.
87. Both of us cheer one another towards personal achievement.
88. We actually enjoy talking about intellectual subjects with one another.
89. I am amazed to find how much I love this woman for all these years and only
    just begun to realize it.
90. We both think of the future (and the other is sure to be in it).
91. I want her to be my steady Argentine Tango partner.
92. She’s the most bossy shy person I’ve ever met.
93. I am sure to grow as a person with her deeper in my life.
94. Our personal strengths compliment one another.
95. Our personal weaknesses are lessened through the influence of the other.
96. There is over 120 pages worth of emails between us from our years in college.
97. After all these years, I still feel this profound love for her when I read
    the handwritten letters we’ve written each other.
98. Though she and I are not perfect persons, a life with her comes pretty close.
99. She thinks she needs a class on how to mop the floor and dust a room.
100. There are actually this many reasons why she’s great.
101. (One more time) I love her.

Sunday morning began with a nice long conversation with L-. We talked from 5:30am until 11:00am PST. When R- heard from me that we actually spoke for so long, he said there must be some kind of romance going on. Well, we love each other. That has a good part in what’s going on.

Loving someone like the way I love L- feels good. We talked about the kind of house she wanted: three bedrooms, a livingroom, a study room, two bathrooms, a meeting room and a large kitchen. Yard space, she says, is important. She wanted a large backyard for a garden and a swimming pool. Our spa would be in the Master Bedroom. What a great idea! She soon changed her mind to four bedrooms. If there were two kids, each will eventually want their own space. Of course, the whole house will be my responsibility to clean. “My” responsibility as opposed to her husband’s. Unless… I was her husband. How blissful that would feel if that’s what she meant!

Other than a fantasized future, we spoke of a more definite period ahead. L- will visit here at Humboldt from May 17th to the 24th. We will have a good part of the week after school is out to spend together. My dad will be here to stand in name for a rental car. So, the two of us will have our own transportation. We will be like Aenea and Raul at the end of The Rise of Endymion. All of Humboldt County will be ours to explore.

The Valentine’s gift is almost done. It’s more than halfway. Yet, fine tuning the site to look good isn’t easy.

Well, enough about L- for now. Around 2pm on Sunday, I went to Lindy Hop Club with R- to dance. He and I learned a lot. The club and activity are good things for us to do together, for us to build our friendship. After class, we went to the mall to get running shoes and swing shoes. After dinner, he and I had one of our good conversations. As we talked, we cut out pieces of denim for the bottom of our Converse shoes. (The denim makes the shoes slik on the dance floor.)

Monday night, we got to use our new shoes. Jeff O’Connor, the teacher, complimented us. After Swing, T-, R-, M- and I worked out at the Gym.