Terrorizing Little Children

I slept in late today. Twelve hours – that’s a luxury that I rarely can afford. I enjoyed every hour of it.

Of course, my little cousins came to invite me to lunch. Afterwards, all the children and I went back to the Second Family’s house to play Soul Caliber 2 on their Xbox. It’s a nice fighting game. Good graphics. Elaborate moves. Little Jason was proud of his skills, and gloated when he managed to beat me three times in a row. Determined to break his winning streak, I chose this character named “Nightmare” who swung this huge-ass sword. Being the mature, role-model I am for the little children I began taunting little Jason. Hearing his character say, “C’mon… let’s dance,” I turned to the little boy and said, “Oh, did you hear that? He asked me to dance. You chose a gay character!” He shouts in defiance “Nooo!” Retorts from young kids are very limited. We played. All the while I made off-hand comments about how effeminate his character was, and that clearly affected him psychologically. Pretty soon, my gargantuan character achieved victory. “Oh – did I just win?” Defeated and upset, my little Jason turns to me and screams “So?! So?!” And, he begins to cry.

You see, I make it my life’s mission to psychologically scar the little children in my life whom I dearly love. I felt bad, honestly. Did my taunts really affect him that deeply? Rarely do I manage to tease little Jason to tears. I mean, I tease him all the time. There is rarely a weekend that goes by where I do not make fun of cute eight-year old at least 20 times per day that I spend with him. So, why cry now? I believe the combination of deflating his video-game fighting skills and chaffing his awfully effeminate video game character really got to him. The boy takes badinage too seriously sometimes.

Fortunately, the boy adores me too much to hold a grudge. Half an hour later, I’m hugging him and kissing him as much as a doting father would his beloved son. “Are you okay?” I ask him. “I tease you all the time. You know I don’t mean it for real.” I give him a kiss and all is better. Gawd, what cute kid!

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