Touching Base

Yesterday, I had dinner with S at a very nice & fancy restaurant called Maggiano’s. As always, to see her again in person and have our intelligent conversations were wonderful. Our food was as fantastic as ultra-rich and buttery Italian food ought to be. I had grilled Mahi-Mahi and she ordered the Eggplant Parmesean. For dessert, we had an eargasmic triple-fudge chocolate cake.

I told her what has happened to me of late: the love that is growing ever-stronger with L; enjoying the family time; and the boredom at work. She told me about her fallout with this guy that she’s been seeing. Apparently, their relationship got more intimate and that complicated its short-term nature.

I’m glad that knowing this guy has allowed her to experience the joys and bliss that she could not find with M. As much respect I have for M as a person, he has too much of a conservative, borderline-chauvinistic and religious bent for my feminist tendencies to accept. According to S, she felt that M treated her like a possession to be kept from slipping away. He was hypocritical: he expected S to respect his lifestyle, yet he could not accept that she had a life outside of their relationship. He judged her constantly. He would give pressure to her to lose weight, to watch what she eats, when she is, in my opinion, a normal slim petite. He would tell her that she’s “a bad person” but that he still loves her. I wouldn’t be able to burden this in a relationship with a friend, let alone a lover. I don’t blame S for wanting to leave M.

In truth, I have to give credit to M for wanting to work out his relationship with S. Yet, he wanted her work out her problems, not realizing or accepting that he is the problem. Constantly feeling like she is not meeting his expectations is not a life I would ask any woman to live. Matters worse, he believes his expectations are legitimate. I can understand a strong commitment in marriage, but “until death do you part” was never a part of the courtship deal. So, as much as I empathize M’s situation (I would likewise be torn apart if L left me), I think it is better that they separated (as I would think so too if L left me for the same reasons S left M).

So, this new guy is S’s rebound. Of course, she doesn’t think so. However, in her descriptions of him, she seemed to like/love him for what M was not. The unique things about this guy were not qualities that would define critical for a long-term, committed relationship. Instead, they were qualities that one would find in a fascinating new person. In short, he is allowing S to see more of what she likes in a man.

If I was in either M’s or S’s shoes, I would enjoy the time I would have at being single (not that I would when my beloved is L). I would take the opportunity to meet new people, find out what I consider to like in a mate, and determine what and how I would achieve my goals.

I hope that S manages to stay single. Better yet, I hope she finds that guy who will not accept anything less than her full potential and who will refuse to be in a relationship with her unless she promises a sincere effort.

As for M, I hope that he meets his rebound soon. It is not healthy to obsess himself over her. He doesn’t sound like he’s willing to accept the fact that she left him because of his shortcomings as a boyfriend/potential husband/friend. If he’s not going to change, there will be no chance of S reconsidering. He is better off finding a woman who will accept him and love him for who he is. In more positive terms, he needs a woman who deserves a traditional, righteous and strongly religious man.

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1 Comment

  1. i love yr honesty

    i’d like to oppose the idea of this person being the “rebound”, but as i have a mouth-full of toothpaste and one of my best friends sleeping in my bed, this will be short.

    he is not “the rebound” specifically because i have invested quite a bit in him, and do not intend on rescinding it because he doesnt love me. rebound implies that i was with this person purely to fulfill my own needs. this, however, is not the case. although i found some of my needs fulfilled, i also gave my love, trust, and sincerest concern to this person without expecting equal reciprocity [although i knew some sort of reciprocity would likely occur]. i’m still concerned and i still care for this person, inasmuch as i have not greedily withdrawn it because of the way his choiced make me feel. perhaps i should, but it is something i would have to think about first. let’s discuss this, please. not because i want to be right, but because i want to have a better understanding of this, and see it from your perspective. i love talking about this sort of thing with you. it’s always very enlightening.

    and i have discovered that i, too, am a pragma-oriented lover.

    how about them apples?

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