The “Cushioning Factor”

I skipped all my classes today. I’ve skipped many classes this semester. I think it is becoming a bad habit. Whenever I don’t feel good, when I feel down, I decide not to go. Say I woke up and I was five minutes late, “Oh well. Can’t go now,” when, of course, I can.

I do feel a little depressed. I think it might have been triggered by that Fox Network TV show, “Party of Five.” On that show, everybody is beautiful, simply physically attractive. The writers are good, too. So, the beautiful face has a beautiful personality. There is so much camaraderie in that TV series that it made me yearn for the same. I want to have such close friends. I want to have such intimate relations.

I go about my everyday life, most of the time, with happiness and joy. It is sincere. I am not fooling myself, I know that for sure. However, there are times when certain events cause me to think about what I lack. I don’t usually think about what I lack. I accept it, deal with it, and then move on with my life. It is something I’ve learned to do to be happy. I don’t need to convince myself. I know I’m content. I have someone I intimately love. I have acquaintances, and I also have many friends. I can go about campus and find a person whom I know, sit down, and have a nice, little conversation with him orher.

Yet, am I really content? If I am, why do I daydream so much? Why do I ponder of what might, or could be? Why do I fantasize about what is impossible? I say I have friends, yet they aren’t close ones. They enjoy my company, I believe, and I know that I enjoy their’s, yet we don’t talk about anything personal. We don’t have any self-disclosure that would bind us together. Sure, I go to movies, plays, recitals and so forth with them, but that’s about all. This would make them more than just a familiar face, but it doesn’t make them I-Thou friends, as Julia Wood puts it.

I consider L- and K- as my closest of friends. Then it hits me, Where are they now? If they are such close friends, why don’t I keep in regular contact with them? Then, there is J-. She is not only my love, but an I-Thou friend also. In a short time, the history between her and I would be able to match the ones I have with the fore mentioned. These three people, L-, K-, and J-, I consider my dearest of relations. Now, why aren’t we communicating more? I don’t put enough effort into maintaining these relationships. At this rate, sooner or later, all three will be away from my life. The “cushioning factor” that Wood mentions in her IPC book would not be there. I, then, would be vulnerable to something like what my brother went through.

All three of them are so far away. L- is on the other side of the country, and K- and J- are on the other side of California. It’s difficult to communicate, let alone physically be with them. I need to write more to them. We are lacking the communication of daily happenings and goings that brings us closer together. I need to write to them, even if it’s just simple happenings. I can e-mail L- and K-, but for J- I need to use the postal service for the time being, until she can get e-mail. Using the postal service will make things more inconvenient, but I need to overcome it. Our relationship depends on it.

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