The “Cushioning Factor”

I skipped all my classes today. I’ve skipped many classes this semester. I think it is becoming a bad habit. Whenever I don’t feel good, when I feel down, I decide not to go. Say I woke up and I was five minutes late, “Oh well. Can’t go now,” when, of course, I can.

I do feel a little depressed. I think it might have been triggered by that Fox Network TV show, “Party of Five.” On that show, everybody is beautiful, simply physically attractive. The writers are good, too. So, the beautiful face has a beautiful personality. There is so much camaraderie in that TV series that it made me yearn for the same. I want to have such close friends. I want to have such intimate relations.

I go about my everyday life, most of the time, with happiness and joy. It is sincere. I am not fooling myself, I know that for sure. However, there are times when certain events cause me to think about what I lack. I don’t usually think about what I lack. I accept it, deal with it, and then move on with my life. It is something I’ve learned to do to be happy. I don’t need to convince myself. I know I’m content. I have someone I intimately love. I have acquaintances, and I also have many friends. I can go about campus and find a person whom I know, sit down, and have a nice, little conversation with him orher.

Yet, am I really content? If I am, why do I daydream so much? Why do I ponder of what might, or could be? Why do I fantasize about what is impossible? I say I have friends, yet they aren’t close ones. They enjoy my company, I believe, and I know that I enjoy their’s, yet we don’t talk about anything personal. We don’t have any self-disclosure that would bind us together. Sure, I go to movies, plays, recitals and so forth with them, but that’s about all. This would make them more than just a familiar face, but it doesn’t make them I-Thou friends, as Julia Wood puts it.

I consider L- and K- as my closest of friends. Then it hits me, Where are they now? If they are such close friends, why don’t I keep in regular contact with them? Then, there is J-. She is not only my love, but an I-Thou friend also. In a short time, the history between her and I would be able to match the ones I have with the fore mentioned. These three people, L-, K-, and J-, I consider my dearest of relations. Now, why aren’t we communicating more? I don’t put enough effort into maintaining these relationships. At this rate, sooner or later, all three will be away from my life. The “cushioning factor” that Wood mentions in her IPC book would not be there. I, then, would be vulnerable to something like what my brother went through.

All three of them are so far away. L- is on the other side of the country, and K- and J- are on the other side of California. It’s difficult to communicate, let alone physically be with them. I need to write more to them. We are lacking the communication of daily happenings and goings that brings us closer together. I need to write to them, even if it’s just simple happenings. I can e-mail L- and K-, but for J- I need to use the postal service for the time being, until she can get e-mail. Using the postal service will make things more inconvenient, but I need to overcome it. Our relationship depends on it.

Age Difference

We didn’t have class with Lee today. I was able to spend a nice two and a half hours with A-. The age difference struck me. She is twenty-three. I’m eighteen. She has five more years of life experience over me. We live in different worlds. She has different needs. I have different needs. We are familiar acquaintances, but no self-disclosure has occurred that would make us friends. I want her as a friend. Or do I, really? According to the textbook in my Interpersonal Comm. class, there is a cost-benefit to every relationship. What is the benefit of the friendship that I can have with her? She is beautiful. I can have the satisfaction of having a friend who is physically enchanting. It appears that is a criteria I tend to have for most of my acquaintances. I like surrounding myself with beautiful people. Well, whatever the case, I need to have more exchange of personal disclosure if I am to have a friendship with her, or anyone else for that matter.

Mind Over Hormones

(Continuing from the 11/08/97 entry)

How would I ask her?
“Is that you?”
“Yeah.”
“Nice breasts.” Slap! So, the way I see it, it was better to just pretend as if I didn’t see it.

Now, what has bothered me that Thursday evening (11/06) was that picture. I kept on seeing in my mind’s eye the provacative image of her on crutches, looking straight at the camera with no particular expression, perhaps with only a slight opening of her lips. Does this mean she has a high sexual drive? Does she see beauty in nudity and sex? If those questions were answered as true, then it is a very, very attractive contrast of images. She looks like a woman who’s more on the conservative side of sex, yet she really has a strong passion for it. Well, needless to say, my fantastic mind started to wonder what I would do if I was presented a situation where I could have sex with her.

Would I take the offer? Another person would say there wasn’t even the slightest chance, and I would agree, but I want to get to know her better. What if in the process of building a stronger friendship I was approached with such a decision? I can’t just say it won’t ever happen. I don’t trust my horomones. I need to decide while I’m sober.

It has been a few days since I visited her residence. In that time, at this moment, the wave of horomones have subsided. Now that I’m sober, I feel it is best not to take up on the offer of sex if the situation ever comes up. Oh, she is beautiful, and oh I do so would like to please her sexually, but that’s just the horomones talking. While I was drunk with lust, I was trying to convince myself it would be okay. J- wouldn’t know. A-‘s leaving next year. The two of them wouldn’t have to face each other. A- has heard me mention that I have an intimate back home. Perhaps if an invitation came up, and she wouldn’t mind the fact that I’m already in an intimate relationship, we can have a sexual friendship? But, that’s my mind when it is drunk. I am in a committed relationship. One of the tenets we’ve established that would be grounds for separation is having sex with another person. What if it was just oral sex? Still, it is the extreme intimacy of the act that makes it also constitute a sexual affair. No, if the question ever came up, I would say no to a sexual affair.

Wandering Hormones

It is nice to not to be thinking about her for the past day. It has been difficult to concentrate with the new image in which I see her. A- F- is a woman who plays the clarinet in the beginning woodwinds class that I’m taking this semester. My initial impressions of her were positive, and so are those now, however with a different frame of mind. Before, I was fascinated by her beauty. My intentions were only to get to know her better. Now, I am fascinated not only by her beauty, but by her sexuality. My frame of mind towards A- now has this disturbing desire to know her sexually.

As I said, I previously only saw her as a beautiful human being. Her face portrayed the young, innocent, beautiful daughter that turned twenty-three years of age. For all I know, I realize, she might not be so innocent, but the sweet implications of her face makes abstaining from such a stereotype difficult. Her eyes, for example, are enchanting. They are large and bright, but it is not simply the size that makes them so unique. It is their composition. The small pupil of each eye is pitch black, set in a circle of light brown, like a drop of dark chocolate in the center of a cup of latte. A thin line of black outlines the irises, and around that outline, like the sun storms of an alien sun, is an aura of light blue-green. Other attributes play to her enchanting beauty. Her lashes are long and thick, and her hair is cut short, like a carpet of fine, auburn fur. Her skin has a soft, milky tone, as if she has been protected from harsh beatings of the sun’s light. And, probably the most enrapturing of her characteristics, the aroma that veils her never fails to trip my nose. “China Musk” she calls it, her perfume. I would be walking through a line of people, concentrating on my destination, when all of a sudden, like an invisible wire, something catches my nose, something pleasant. I cannot mistake it for anything else. I attribute it to her, her scent, and I search for her presence.

Interestingly enough, this fascination with A-‘s beauty does not give me any sense of guilt in regards to my committed relationship with J-. I cannot deny the fact of her unique beauty. However, I do feel guilty with how I think about her now. On Thursday, after our day’s session with Lee’s woodwinds class, A- needed to retrieve her English book back at her apartment. We have had previous engagements before, and I knew the whereabouts of her residency, but not exactly the place, let alone the looks of the place. So she invited me to come along.

The apartment was very homely, very comfortable. She invited me into her room. It had clean intentions, but my horomones still projected fantastical possibilities. I suppressed it. Upon entering her room, I was immediately intrigued with the small photos she had placed on her walls. They were pictures of women. Nude women. My suppositions were somewhat confirmed. She has a sexual affinity to women. I was not offended, or repulsed. Rather, I was all the more intrigued. Her sexuality is taunting me just as J-‘s has constantly throughout my days and nights since I left for Humboldt. There were nude pictures of her, too, I believe. It was a standard size picture, but in black and white. In fact, all of the photographs along the wall were in black and white. But this picture was of a woman in crutches, with her shoulders hunched, and her torso bare. I didn’t see at first, for the hair was of a lighter color (perhaps, blonde) and longer and ruffled in a sort of way not too different than a famous character in the Japanese comic series, “Dragonball Z.” But upon closer examination, the face looked a lot like A-‘s. I wanted to confirm it, but I feared it would put her in an awkward situation since, if it is true, I would be looking at a naked picture of her.

(Entry continues on 11/11/97)

The Inspiration of Malcolm X & Mr. Campbell

Dear Miri,

I hope you like your name. It’s short for Miriamele.

It has been a long day for me. I woke up early to get ready for Student Congress. I impressed many people, except maybe the woman who got first place. I didn’t even place, as far as I know.

L- Y- was there at the tournament. She believes she can’t become a debater. I asked her why, and she said that she’s intimidated by the varsity-level debaters.

I’ve finally gone to a DCM (Divisional Council Meeting) after a long time absent. I’ve practically forgotten the other Key Club Presidents. Wilson High Key Club seems to be doing well. J-, president of Rosemead KC, informed — confirmed, rather — that their Kiwanis advisor/president/school principal died. What a shock it was and is to their school. Their flag was half-raised for a week.

Watched the last two hours of Malcolm X on Channel 13. He is an incredible orator. He is an incredible man. I use the present tense because I believe he exists in spirit if not in body. I sit here wondering if I could ever become such a great man. Not a revolutionist, nor a man of power, but just a man who has influenced people. I want to be remembered. So many people come and go. There are so many children born, that grow up and never aspire to anything. Correct me if I’m wrong, I feel that part of the joy of living is being able to change the views of people, turn them towards a path better than the one they were walking. Of course, in reality, no one can be changed by another person unless they want to be changed; one has to change one’s own self. However, it is the joy of “pointing out the path” for the person to choose. I guess that’s why Mr. Campbell loves coaching debate so much. It must be a great joy for him to see a student change from a meek, self-conscience freshman to a confident, assertive and self-responsible senior. I would like to teach one day.

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