Why God, Why Now?

Why do I believe in God?  Why now when I’m young and not when I’m older and closer to death?  Those are big questions, but important ones if I’m to be honest with myself.  If you are a person of faith, you should ask yourself those questions, too.

I believe in God because He came looking for me, did amazing things in my life when I answered His call, and He continues to help me grow in virtue and love.

I felt not just His presence tonight when I prayed the rosary, for example, but saw in my mind’s eye, the four saints I often turn to and a bunch of other folks in Heaven.  They were all praying with me!  Real or imagined, it made my time praying the rosary incredibly fulfilling.

I’m reminded of God’s hand in my life when I think about how I met my wife and how we came to be married.  My first-born is the direct result of God answering my prayers through the intercession of St. Therese of Lisieux.

My career as a diplomat was also because of God’s help.  It didn’t have to be a Commercial Officer who gave that briefing in the Embassy seven years ago.  It could have been a State Department officer.  But, as God would have it… Mitch Larsen gave the briefing to us Peace Corps Volunteers.  He talked about his job, and I felt in my bones that this was the kind of job I was looking for.  Today, Mitch is my direct supervisor in Korea.

Five years ago, I did not have a girlfriend, did not have a job, and had more debt than my parents (student loans).  Now, I’m married with two children, am an officer in the Foreign Service, give half my paycheck to my parents and still have money left over to service my loans and support my own family.

How is this possible?  I did not plan it.  All I did was say “yes” to God — and he literally swept me off my feet in a whirlwind.  So, why do I believe in God?  Because He is truly present in my life.

Why now and not when I’m older?  Because I can die at any time.  It is complete hubris to think I will live until I’m older.  I could die tomorrow.  I could die ten years from now, or even live to be over a hundred.  I just don’t know.  And if I live a life of sin, the sin would very likely keep me from ever realizing the truth.  It would desensitize me from the truth and beauty that comes from trying to live the divine life.  I would be heavily invested in my ego, then become too afraid to see how ugly I’ve become… like the Portrait of Dorian Gray.

Besides, I can’t turn back on God, now.  It is worse for me to turn away from God after learning the truth, than to have never turned to Him in the first place.  It’s like knowing full well how amazing my wife is, what an amazing mother she is to our children, knowing that I’m married to a saint-in-the-making… and still cheat on her.  I would deserve Hell for that, just as I would deserve Hell for turning my back on God, now.

I think I’m at a point where even asking the question “Why do I believe in God?” is like asking “Why do I love?”  It’s like asking my eldest daughter why she is so clingy to her daddy.  She just is because her dad loves her with every day of her life.  Just as I hope one day she will ask herself, “What can I do for daddy to show him that I love him?” I am now at the point where I’m asking, “What can I do for God to show Him that I love Him?”

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