Fuckin’ Flu

Fuck, I’m sick. I think I’m getting the flu. The flu always starts with a sore throat, and I’ve got a sore throat. Fuck. If it’s the flu, then I’m going to be out from work for a whole week. Maybe the virus strain is one that I’ve got before? So, my antibodies would fight it off faster and I wouldn’t have to miss two weeks of work. God damn it, I don’t want to miss two weeks of work. I mean, Jesus, I’m going to turn in my notice on Monday. I can’t just miss work. Fuck.

Work isn’t all that great now, anyway. The job is something I can handle. I mean, to be frank, the job is too frickin’ easy. I don’t feel challenged. And, I don’t get paid enough to trick myself into motivation. When am I going to get the fuckin’ raise that Ana talked about? I’ve been working in my managing capacity, but am still being paid as a regular coordinator. Well, my guess is that the increase isn’t going to be as much as what I’d be making if I was a loan officer.

Shit, having the flu is going to get in the way. My plan was to turn in my notice on Monday to Ana. I was going to have a private talk with her, letting her know that I got my license to originate loans, and I was ready to move on. I wanted to discuss about tying up some loose ends. Of course, it sucks to leave my Team Leader when she has come to depend on me, even though she wouldn’t admit that. It would help if she could inspire me to be loyal to her. All she manages to do is antagonize me. For God’s sake, you don’t say to your best manager “If you don’t like this job, you can go back being a suspense coordinator. I can find another person to replace you” when he has contributed so much in just three weeks being at the job. For fuck’s sake, I learned a whole new application and built a customized database for the team in just two weeks. This database has streamlined all management tasks, made what would have been complicated functions user-friendly, and enabled on-demand reports. Fuck, every day the managers in this team is benefitting from this database that I’ve created. I even made a customized database for another team already. Jesus, and Ana has the nerve to tell me that I’m replaceable? And, it’s not just the database. I organize and generate the agenda for meetings. I make sense of the babble of information that Ana gives me and communicate that to the Purchasers. Because of my public speaking voice, I can make an announcement loud enough for 112 Purchasers to hear clearly without a blowhorn. Even Team Leaders from other teams have asked me to make announcements for them. I fuckin’ solve problems. I’m the one that the other managers turn to when there’s a fire to be put out. The least that Ana can do is recognize that I am a very valuable member of the team and cannot be replaced.

Well, her management style might work with the other managers. It’s not working for me. And she’s so god damn ignorant about management styles, too. Fuck, doesn’t she know that there is more than one style? So, she has the directive/autocratic style. She ought to know that I have the consensus management style. Yet, she calls me “chicken-hearted” because I’m willing to work with and support my Purchasers needs instead of telling them “this is how it should be because I’m your boss.” The philosophy behind the consensus style is that you treat everyone according to their abilities, regardless of position. Their voice is valued, and an opinion or suggestion or complaint may have merit. As a manager, I am there to support my employees so that they can do a better job. They are not here to support me. I am there to train, to guide, to organize and to communicate. I am not there to establish whose the boss. They know who their bosses are. They need a boss who can be there for them.

Now, an autocratic style is necessary. I’m not saying that she should change her style. A directive style is necessary to put the disorderly back in line. A directive style is necessary when the consensus style generates too much chaos. Both styles complement each other like the yin and the yang. What I am saying is that she ought to recognize that my management style has its benefits, too. What would have generated loyalty was if she had valued me for what I was worth and not insinuate that I was not needed. What would keep me is if they make my pay according to my position and retroactively pay me for all the time that I’ve been a manager.

Shit, I need to go to bed if I’m to get any rest and shake off this impending flu.

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